“My family was broken. My parents were disowned. It was just something they did.” This well-rehearsed speech, delivered with a smile and an easy voice, is one I've been delivering for decades. Until I am a broken piece. You see, my sisters have already experienced this ultimate punishment. I always knew it was coming for me, but I hoped with all my might that it would never happen. Sadly, I tried to overtake the car. When my day came, it shattered my belief in unconditional love.
When unconditional love becomes conditional
Of course it's painful. This is still true. In fact, I rarely talk about it except with my coach or my husband. I try not to talk about it with my sisters because they have their own wounds. I also don't feel safe sharing it here. A big part of me doesn't want to hurt them, the people who are supposed to love me and my sisters unconditionally. It makes me sad to think that I could hurt them if they stumbled upon this. So, I threw myself on the grenade.
“What happens at home, stays at home.”
Carrying the burden of family secrets
I realized for the first time that I was still afraid of their wrath. I have witnessed every relationship disappear. I heard the hateful letters written to other family members who spoke out and saw everyone else being the bad guy. I don’t want to be on the receiving end of that. The interrupted conversation was enough for me.
So if I'm a good girl and keep quiet, no one will hurt me. I can't be rude. I know how to follow the rules. This is how I learned to stay safe.
When we feel unsafe, our brains put us into survival mode—fight, flight, freeze, or soothing. My default survival response is to freeze and soothe. book mother of hungerKelly McDaniel says babies' freeze response is part of their process of learning to let go. “She realized that her needs were not being met and that relationships were not to be trusted.” Sounds familiar, doesn't it?
The cultural silence surrounding family breakdown
Culture teaches us to respect, love and honor our parents. The idea of a relationship is not leave it to beaver Happiness is not an option. Like this show, our “norms” about family are very black and white. You either love your parents and have the closest relationship with them, or you hate them passionately because they are the scum of the earth (probably in jail or drinking themselves to death). You love them because you are the one who loves them, but you don't talk, does that matter?
There is no room in our current storylines for contrasting emotions or situations. Both of these things can be true at the same time. Although separation can cause pain, separation sets you free. Now you don’t have to be so afraid that everything you say and do has to be perfect to meet their needs, their comfort zones, their preferences, and their emotions.
fracture freedom
Where are the cards for the daughter or son who was disowned, abandoned, abused, shown that they didn’t matter? No one offers mercy or sympathy. It celebrates our ability to breathe easy and be authentically ourselves.
Obviously, when I see a post about how much someone loves their parents, I feel a tinge of pain, discomfort, incomprehension, the occasional jealousy, or a palpable disconnect. For some of us, hearing words like “my mom is the greatest” doesn’t resonate. This is not a common feeling. It’s actually a reminder of broken families.
My brain, my heart, and my entire being contained many conflicting emotions. It's easier to close the application. To protect myself, I intentionally stay off social media during the holidays.
It’s been five years since I was disowned and I had to do it in order to survive.
This is what 23 years of therapy work has taught me – your mind will protect you until you are ready. If you don't notice these signs, it forces you to slow down and look at the pain. Melancholy after three dancesI’m a Milwaukee Brewers-caliber catcher. (I googled it – that team is the best. Look at me, athletic.)
The knock-on effects of parental rejection
Even with all of these therapy experiences, I still had no idea that this would ripple into all other areas of my life.
It started with my husband. Once my parents disowned me, the nightmares of David's infidelity increased. Each night was worse and more intense than the one before. Falling asleep became scary because I didn’t want to face the pain of losing my husband. Naturally, every nightmare led to the inference that it was all my fault. I’m not good enough to “keep my man.” I failed.
(To be clear, David has never cheated, nor has he given me any reason to believe he would. It’s just that the asshole version of him that appears when we all sleep is something I can’t trust. A new manifestation of my fear No one will love me unconditionally.)
pressure to be perfect
Then the pandemic hit. After three months, my extra daughter’s biological mother stopped picking her up. Suddenly, I was a stay-at-home mom, a new business owner, the daughter of an orphaned parent, married to a dream liar, and trapped inside while the world stopped moving.
I started to stay at home. I need to be perfect and prove myself every day so I can win love. Then I stopped foolishly sharing who I was because I was afraid I would be picked apart.
Because I feel it’s unsafe to feel bad, I always have a smile on my face. I clung to this illusion for years before I became miserable. This gradually turned into resentment, then anger, and finally anger.
A safe space to release emotions
All the withdrawal and negativity was festering inside of me. But I was never allowed to be angry, so I didn't know how to be angry. This is the most uncomfortable feeling for me. If I dare to get angry, my body will shake uncontrollably and my tears will not stop. All these emotions have nowhere to go. I had to find a healthy way to release them.
This brings me to the anger room, my sanctuary. As I smashed each bottle with a baseball bat or a tire iron, I shared the reason for my anger. I took my anger out on each swing and left it there with all the broken glass. Freeing up this space that I had created for the good things I wanted to feel and experience.
Breaking the cycle of family breakdown
The reason I tell you all this is because it’s not talked about enough for it to become the norm. If your relationship with your parents isn't perfect, I want you to know that that's okay. If you feel guilty for feeling anything other than gratitude, you're not alone. We don’t talk about discomfort. We bottle it up to survive or adapt, or both. It sucks trying to explain this to someone who hasn't experienced it. (Or maybe they haven't faced complex emotions yet because the culture doesn't allow for it.) You're safe here. I get it.
Here's the thing. We have the opportunity to confront the demons of our past in an empowering way. It requires two important concepts – self-worth and self-love. These people need more nourishment and support than reading inspirational quotes on social media or love fests from friends. Because life always does what it's supposed to do and The way our brains work, we don’t wake up one day and feel unshakable worth and unconditional self-love. This is a daily practice.
Even today, the fear of conditional love still manifests itself in subtle ways. For example, every week when I create my shopping list, I internally struggle with whether or not to include foods that only I will enjoy. Let me connect the dots for you. If I buy myself pepitas for a salad, David will probably be upset at the extra cost, obviously thinking I'm being selfish, and then he'll add it to the list of reasons no love me. (I have this image of him taking out a small notebook, jotting down my faults, shaking his head, and listing all the reasons why I'm not worthy of his love.)
Don’t worry – I hear you. This makes no logical sense. Of course not. But it doesn’t matter because my brain connects the dots in specific ways based on my experiences, observations, and naturally occurring negative biases. That’s why I intentionally choose to teach it new ways of seeing, being, thinking, and feeling. Feeding your mind with better intelligence and making your life easier is a priority.
Build the foundation of self-worth
One practice I do for myself and my clients is to identify the unwritten rules of the subconscious mind. We bring these to the light and observe them with curiosity rather than judgment. The goal is to determine if they are serving you today and who you grow into. Do they still feel good? Are they your original beliefs or the imprint of others? Then we rewrite the rules to design the life of your dreams.
When you're reeling from the inner conviction that you don't deserve it, try the dress on for size.
- Write down the idea. Recognizing it and clearing it from your mind are two important steps in the process.
- Then wiggle your toes. Try to focus on moving each toe.
- Next take three deep breaths; in through the nose, out through the nose.
- Then go back and look at the idea. Write this question: “Will this make me feel good about myself?”
- Write your answer to this question.
- If it’s not (it probably is, otherwise you wouldn’t be swinging), then write: “I choose to feel good about myself.”
- Now take three more deep breaths and get back to your day.
It's a safe way to increase self-awareness, bring negative noise to the forefront, regulate your nervous system, retrain your brain toward positivity, and start integrating new ideas that serve you.
Learn to trust love and self
I wanted to design a new greeting card for those of us facing pain. Not in a way of wallowing or pity, but one that celebrates our courage to change and grow. We don’t sit back and blame our parents, but we also don’t pretend everything is perfect. Instead, we choose to live with intention, hope, and big dreams.
We examine the unwritten rules that once controlled us and create new ones that make us feel free and nourish our souls. We create our own definition of unconditional love—starting with ourselves. These are the celebrations, moments and stories that I am interested in sharing.
Dream David has not appeared in my nightmares for a long time. My husband helped me believe in unconditional love again. He shows me every day that I am worthy. I'm very grateful to him. While this is an important part of my marriage, I have a responsibility to heal it.
Developing my own unshakable sense of worth is the most important daily practice I am committed to.
If you're ready to love yourself unconditionally and create the life of your dreams, you don't have to walk this path alone. Arrangements are free dream discovery phone Stay with me today. Together we can rewrite the rules and design a life that honors our authentic selves.
